Dear [Your Name Here],

I remember the first time you touched me; not in a sensitive way, but derogitory and dirty way.  You pushed me off the front porch, making me stumble and fall in ways I will never forget.

I remember my best friend staying with you to calm you down.  Yet, I remember running down our street the same way, upset and pissed as all hell that you had touched me the way you did.  I remember being nothing but supportive of you, and yet, I was still the enemy. 

I've been the enemy for so long, for these things I've only known as the greatest good.  I have volunteered.  I have helped my friends.  I have stood by my family.  Yet I still was the enemy in the eyes' closest to me. 

You still haunt me.  Your criticism still gets to me, to this very day.  No matter how I look, how much weight I have lost, how much I have changed, I always think of you as the one person to really determine how great I am.

I can't remember if you are one person, or split into two- but I know I will never fit the people you want me to.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear [Your Name Here],

I loved you at one point.  I loved that you were hilarious.  I grew to love your spontaneous, hyperactive, non-chalant attitude.  I grew to love the girl that everyone knew.

I grew to hate the person everyone now knows.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear [your name here],

I am tired of always having bad luck.  And I'm not talking the usual bad luck.  I'm speaking of the bad luck where things seem okay but then something stupid happens- like my last white bra's wire snapping in half when I have literally no money.  This doesn't help me, as my one good dress shirt is white, and the only good bra I have left is dark grey.  Thank you.

I am also sick of having to go through hell and back just to survive on a day to day basis.  It isn't as if I have brought myself here, either.  I have done everything I can to keep my head above water and still support the people I love.  However, I keep getting shit on.

I blame this on you.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear [your name here],

Remember in high school, our freshman year, how we met and became inseparable?  Remember how you befriended me, despite the fact that your other friends didn't like me?  Remember how, for four years, we told each other everything and anything, shared the same thoughts, spent entire weekends together, got into trouble together, threw our first party together, and eventually lived together?  Do you remember that? 

Do you remember what happened?

Because I don't.  I don't remember how we fell apart from each other.  I don't remember why we stopped talking.  I don't remember why you suddenly decided I wasn't your best friend anymore, or why I wasn't worth your time.  I can't, for the life of me, remember when it happened.

We had our moments of shared mean-ness.  Times when we fought over stupid things, like boys, and times when we became jealous of whoever else we were hanging out with, instead of each other.  When we were both dating, we didn't make time for each other.  You didn't want to hang out anymore unless your boyfriend was with you, and you didn't want to hang out with me anymore because you used to like my boyfriend.  It all became such drama.

But we put it behind us.  I thought, anyway.  A lot of shit happened between us.  I felt like we would never have the same friendship again for a while, but somehow, we got through it.  Ever since I moved, though, I feel like you just don't care. 

I missed your birthday last month.  Last year I was actually in Michigan, so we got to spend it together.  But I have a feeling your birthday was bad this time around, and it makes me sad.  I've still got your present sitting in my living room.  Every time I want to send it out I have no money, and when I do have money, it goes to bills, so it's been sitting here since July.  It's a penguin backpack (because you love penguins) and I thought it would be funny to put some alcohol in it as well, since you live with your parents and they're always telling you you can't drink in the house.  So I was going to send you a surprise to hide from them.

I'm not so sure that's a good idea anymore, because a part of the rift between us became your drinking and medication habits.  I had forgotten up until this moment why we drifted apart. 

I know you think you know your body, and you think you know what's best for you, but sometimes it takes someone else's observation to get a hold on things.  I would have liked to have an intervention with you.  I can tell you right now back then, it would have worked.  I remember calling your mom one afternoon because you had been asleep for over 24 hours and I was afraid you had finally put yourself into a coma.  G came over and sat by your bed all day, because he was worried.  I tried to avoid dealing with it because I knew what was going on but you didn't want my help.  When I moved out we didn't talk for another five months.  I felt like you held it against me, for abandoning you.  I was already having problems I was dealing with, and I wanted help.  I couldn't watch you kill yourself slowly when I was feeling so hopeless myself. 

I miss you, though.  We had some really good times together.  Really good times together.  But I miss the old you.  I miss the you that didn't need to get fucked up to have fun.  The you that didn't want to take a million pills to make things interesting.  I miss the you that liked reading romance novels in my bedroom over a walkie-talkie to my brother and his friends.  I miss the you that liked to just go to the park and swing.  I miss the you that enjoyed just taking long drives with me.  I miss when we hung out, and you came out of your room. 

I hope that everything is fine for you.  I hope that you are well.  But I know you are not.  I will be coming home again in December, and I want to see you.  But I only want to see you if you are you, and sober.  Because I will not see you demoralize and make a fool of yourself in front of friends and family again.  I won't.

Sincerely,
Me

Forget me not
Those weren't your words
I'm home haven't you heard the ring?
The sound of my voice
I know it isn't much
That's why I say your name
When I fall, when I hit the bottom
say your name
When I fall, when I hit the bottom


Dear [your name here],

It's been a long time since we talked, but I want you to know, I think about you almost everyday.  Sometimes this burdens me, because I've tried my best to move on from the past and when you cross my mind, it slows me down.  Even if it is for just moments, the thought of you can turn my day upside down.

We had some pretty rough times together, but we had good great times, too.  I will always remember the first time we hung out alone, and watched The New Guy.  Or rather, didn't watch The New Guy.  We sat on the couch, laughing and talking the entire night.  There was a huge snowstorm, remember?  You drove ten miles in your little Ford Tempo to pick me up, and on the way back there was a whiteout, and we couldn't see three inches in front of the car.  It was dangerous and scary, but you made it bearable.  It took an hour to drive back to your apartment because you were going so slow, but you kept me safe, and it didn't stop for years.

I've told you most everything I've ever wanted to say to you, although sometimes I wish I could take it back.  I don't like to feel like the pathetic vulnerable one.  In this situation, there's no way around it.  At the end, it all came down to how vulnerable I was.  I didn't want to let go of what we had, but I couldn't trust you.  You broke my heart so many times, and every time you would tell me you were sorry, that you loved me but you just could never stop cheating on me treat me right, the way I deserved.  I never understood it.  Why was it so hard for you to just love me, and only me, and not betray me?  Why couldn't you just be a man tell the truth?  Why did you have to find other girls women, but claim I was the only one?

I still don't understand it.  I know sometimes things were difficult.  We struggled a lot.  Your Our parents weren't the best of the lot.  We weren't rich.  I had emotional problems you couldn't handle.  You were an asshole had anger issues that you didn't want help with.  Instead of working with each other, we worked against each other.  We could have fixed so many things had we just been a team.  We chose to butt heads though, and here we are now.

I have a new love in my life.  He's wonderful.  He drives me nuts sometimes, but he's always there for me.  It's been a year since we've been together, and I couldn't be happier.  He is exactly the opposite of everything you were.  The type I always claimed I would never, ever be involved with.  But he has been the best for me, and I love him more than anything.  At one point, I thought I would never love anyone like I loved you.  I spent three years single, mingling, going out and trying to forget everything about you.  For one of those years your unexpected phone calls and text messages interrupted my life at times when I thought we were done forever.  You missed me, you wrote a song for me, you couldn't stand the thought of me having sex with another guy.

Maybe that's why you chose to never talk to me again.  I know it is for the best, but I never thought that it would be permanent, and that we would no longer spontaneously appear in each other's lives.  I thought we could be at least friends.  Not best friends; not even friends that talk periodically.  Just friends that, every once in a great while, drop each other notes, say hi, how are you, hope things are good.  I want to tell you that now.

I want to tell you I hope you are happy.  I hope that everything you ever wanted is on the verge of breaking through.  I'm sorry, not for you, but for me, because I would have liked like to see you experience these things.  I supported you and your music, and I liked loved being a part of it.  I'm sorry that I'm missing it, after everything I invested in it.  I hope that I cross your mind sometimes, too, because then I wouldn't be the only one with regrets doubts.

I still have all of our pictures.  I still have our couple's memory book, filled with all the facts about us.  I still have the letters you wrote me, and I found the letters I wrote you.  I never knew you gave them back to me.  I can't bring myself to throw them away, because maybe one day, I'll be able to look back and say, "That was my first real love heartbreak, and I learned so much from it." 

The title of my blog is taken from a song that we sang together all the time in high school, back when we were just best friends.  Back when we were happily dating other people, and life was good normal.  I'm sad when I think about it, because maybe that's how we should have kept it.  Maybe we would still talk, to this day, and I'd be able to see you play music again, and we could talk about old times.  That can't happen, though.  You won't let me in again.  It's probably for the best.

My friends don't understand why I am so sensitive about you.  They shouldn't.  They will never know.  They will never know the heart ache I feel when your name comes up.  They don't understand why I don't want to see your new girlfriend's picture.  They probably think it's because I'm jealous, or pathetic.  That's not it, though.  "Why does it bother you so much?  Just get over it." 

She was our friend.  You brought her into our life, innocently, and I was stupid naive.  I thought you two just worked together.  She was getting married to her high school sweetheart.  I never thought anything of it. 

I should have known better.  I should have known by how upset  pissed she got when she found out you were still talking to the girl you cheated on me with.  I remember when I confided in her she was so mad.  She took you outside, and I thought it was because she was defending me, as her friend.  I believed she cared about how it made me feel.

I was so, so wrong.  She didn't want you to talk to her anymore because she wanted to be sure you wouldn't do the same thing to her.  She was making sure you wouldn't fuck her over treat her like you fucked me treated me.

My letters to you were always long and drawn out.  You always said you liked them.  I wonder if you would like this one.  I'm guessing not.  I'm guessing it would make you mad, because you knew it was right.  Or maybe, you've grown up, like I have, and it wouldn't make you mad; it would make you sad.  I used to get mad at you all the time, even though we never spoke.  Now, I just feel remorse and loss.  It is as if you are dead to me, even though I know you are alive and healthy and thriving.

I wish that I could admit these things to you, just to get them off my chest.  Just to have it be known, yes, I still think about you, and yes, I have moved on, but you left a permanent imprint upon me.  I just want for it to be something I can forgive.

I can't forgive you yet.  Which means I can't forget.  How can I forgive you, when you never apologized, when you never showed remorse except when you wanted sex something?  How can I forget when I'm reminded every time I listen to my favorite band, also one of your favorite bands?  How can I forget when everything I do now, is all in contrast to what I would have with you, and on purpose?  I won't make the same mistake five times twice. 

I hope you are happy.  I hope she was the right choice.  I hope that you make it someday, and that your dreams come true.  Maybe one day I will see you again, and when our eyes meet, we'll know, we'll just know, that this is how it is supposed to be.  I will know that you are sorry, but it was for my benefit, and we are both better off. 

Sincerely,
Me

I'm a person with few regrets.  Everything I've done up until now has made me who I am, and put me where I am, so I try not to regret anything.  However, I still wonder what could have happened if I'd done things another way.

Sometimes I wish I would have just said the things I wanted to say to so many people.  I think of how different life could have been for me, if I'd just opened my mouth, or wrote that damn letter.

There are things I still want to say to some people, but will never have the chance to.  Because they are now gone, because they don't want to hear it, or maybe because I'm too scared...

I've always been a fan of writing letters to people I'm frustrated with, if only to get out those frustrations.  I will throw them away afterwards, but feel so relieved.  I don't know why; it is a form of therapy, I guess.  Sometimes they're serious; other times, not so much.

These are my letters.  To the people I've loved, lost, and definitely not forgotten. 

Maybe someday, they will find out everything that I haven't said.

Dear your name here...
It's been a long time, very long time
Since I've heard your voice
And I bet she never thought I was

So sorry so?
I've had a hard time, very hard time
Seeing less of you
I never thought you knew

So can you see
you're seeing less of me, darling
And you're blind to the fact that my
Heart stopped beating
And I'm as good as dead
And I'm as good as dead

Dear I forgot your name again...
Just picking up where I left off (Oh yeah)
This is the part where you leave me

So sorry so?
I've had a hard time, very hard time
Seeing less of you
I never thought you knew

So can you see
You're seeing less of me darling
And you're blind to the fact that my
Heart stopped beating
And I'm as good as dead
And I'm as good as dead

This is all I have to say, to say

So can you see
You're seeing less of me darling
And you're blind to the fact that my
Heart stopped beating
 
Sincerely Me
New Found Glory